Suicide
Kurt's Note
To Boddah Speaking from the tongue of an
experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated,
infantile complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy to understand. All
the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first
introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with independence and
the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. I haven't
felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along
with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guilty beyond words
about these things. For example when we're backstage and the lights go
out and the manic roar of the crowd begins, it doesn't affect me the way
in which it did for Freddy Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the love
and adoration from the crowd, which is something I totally admire
and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn't
fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people
off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun. Sometimes I
feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk
out on stage. I've tried everything
within my power to appreciate it (and I do, God, believe me I do, but it's
not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained
a lot of people. I must be one of those
narcissists who only appreciate things
when they're gone. I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order
to regain the enthusiasm I once had as a child. On our last 3 tours, I've
had a much better appreciation for all the people I've known personally
and as fans of our music, but I still can't get over the frustration, the
guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There's good in all of us and I
think I simply love people too much, so much that it
makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little,
sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man! Why don't you
just enjoy it? I don't know! I have a goddess
of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter
who reminds me too much of what I used to
be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because
everyone is good and will do her no harm.
And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function. I
can't stand the thought of Frances becoming
the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I've become. I
have it good, very good, and I'm grateful,
but since the age of seven, I've become hateful towards all humans
in general. Only because it seems so easy
for people to get along and have empathy. Only because I love
and feel sorry for people too much I guess.
Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for
your letters and concern during the past
years. I'm too much of an erratic, moody, baby! I don't have the
passion anymore, and so remember, it's better
to burn out than to fade away. Peace, Love, Empathy. Kurt
Cobain Frances and Courtney, I'll be at your
altar. Please keep going Courtney, for Frances. For her life,
which will be so much happier without me.
I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU! note on the note: In the book
'Cobain' they mention that Boddah was one
of Kurt's imaginary friends as a child.
